Nothing is meaningful,just 20

A day to my birthday and my blessing day ! Officially 20 to be.haha :) .This year will be the second year I celebrate it without my family.Getting used to it slowly and slowly.

This time, the only thing it seems meaningful is just about my age 20 for this birthday other than that, I don't seem meaningful to celebrate it.At first, I wish to celebrate with someone I cherish and love but that all have gone.Birthday is meant to spend with the person you love because only then we could learn the value of appreciating each other .If celebrating it brings more suffering than happiness, I would rather sleep and wake up the other day. At least, no tears would shed for unappreciation and ignorance.

I dont need a round cake, I just want the same cake you brought for me .I don't want your blessing unless you are the one who will make it happen.You told me before , you want to bring me to eat the food you like.At this moment of time, I guess it's impossible anymore for all that because at this particular moment, I'm just being  a person you used to care for NOT the person you care for anymore for now.

Lastly, still the same wish for you, a happiness for you.

Wheel chair, my strength and part of life :)

The first day I stepped into Sime Darby Medical Centre Subang Jaya, I didn't actually walk and have to use a wheel chair because when I walked too much, I will feel really tired. Just imagine how can you walk with a leg not a pair of leg.The guard waited at the entrance and pushed a wheel chair to my car and slowly I came out from the car and sat at the wheel chair.They asked me which doctor ? I told him - Dr Tai Cheh Chin.They seems to know quite well so my first impression was wow, the doctor I'm going to meet quite popular.Hahaha. I don't even realise which floor they bring me to, what was in my mind is just that is the doctor I'm going to meet fierce? What I'm going to tell the doctor? I have my aunt and uncle accompanying me as I couldn't do anything all myself. 

Sitting on a wheel chair is great for short term but not long term of course. You will have the feeling of sadness that the elderly person take care of you but you just couldn't taking care of them.Wheel chair reminds me of my late grandmother, where I will pushed her when mum and I brought her to clinic or hospital. So, I have both the experience of sitting on the wheel chair and also pushing it.That is the first time, i try to learn moving the wheel chair by myself while sitting on it . Just have to be very careful so that it won't hurt your hand while you rolling the wheel happily.

The first day consulting Dr. Tai, I really feel lucky as I have him as my doctor.Why I said it lucky? Because I made appointment at the very last minute and luckily his appointment not full that day. His appoinment are always pack where you have to be at the waiting list so you just gotta need to make appointment like 3 weeks earlier if you are from far or else I guaranteed you, no more space for you. That day the hospital was quite busy with many patients along.I waited outside for quite some time, that is reasonable to wait and later his nurse came to me and asked what's my condition and all.I told her I had made an X-ray and wanted to do MRI scan and she went inside the doc's room and told everything to Dr. Tai . 

I felt it so funny when I told her I just wanted a MRI scan not an X ray . It looks like I'm the doctor.However the nurse told me that I need to do the X ray first as the doctor wants to see the result . I did an X ray at the government hospital and sadly I don't have a copy of it but the doc in the gov hospital did say the X ray shows nothing. Suddenly, Dr . Tai came out of his room and my mind was thinking is he my doctor, Dr Tai Cheh Chin ?? Is he the one I saw at the internet the picture of him?? Haha. He came to me at the wheel chair and said I'm your doctor  and told me so seriously plus abit funny the way he persuade me.We will surely go for MRI scan but before that let me see the x ray first.Ok girl, see you in a while. Awww :) My first impression of good doctor. He said it so seriously and funny that the patients at the waiting area where I am, heard of our conversation and all looking at me sitting at the wheel chair. Embarassing feeling but it's ok no one knows me there ! hahaha . 

Later, Dr Tai rushed to somewhere for a while probably to meet other doctor and he does not use walking but slow running with his nurse with him . So cool and yeng ! haha. And I was pushed by the X ray department for scanning and take the result.

All in all, my first time of sitting at the wheel chair , a doctor came to me :)

Sincerely,

Eileen , (the pleasant girl- given by Dr Tai ) 

My bestday !

Ello...my earlier plan was to write the post on the 22nd this month of July but it's ok ! Mood must be there to write a good one :) Why is it 22nd of July? Because it is a month away towards my bestday ! Birthday is too mainstream so lets call it my bestday ..This year again I'm alone nt with family on my birthday . 

Anyway, throughout my life towards 20 this coming besday, I went through many surprises from my bestie who actually came to my house and celebrated it with me. They surprised me together with my family and bring home cooked food for me . I really touched for their effort and for having them in my life . Although now everyone went to their own way to pursue their ambitions, I'm still here not forgetting all of them. Only we can accept harsh joke like ' sek2 cina babis' ..Hahaha.

I'm also happy, to go through what it is called birthday party.From primary to secondary school, in between these years, I had my birthday party. The feelings of happiness when you saw many of your friends come and celebrate it with you and the feelings of receiving lots of present. I still do keep those presents which are currently in my bedroom at the small cupboard. Everytime I opened the cupboard, I will surely smile :) Thank you all for this smile.It's seems so long that I don't see lots of presents anymore and I understand as we grow up, we will not be receiving much anymore.

Last year, it was the first year I celebrated my birthday without my family.Received cards and slice of cake and celebrated with also a group of my bestie.That will be grateful enough . I wouldnt ask for any presents as no one knows what I want.

This year, can I not celebrate? I just had a wish, me myself to be happy and everyone I know and I used to know, to be happy.Because the next year when I celebrate my besday again,I will remember everyone is happy and I'm happy without any sad memories.Just as simple as that.I'm not wanting any cards which write the best wishes but that only left memories.I just don't want to see the scene of a person brings a cake in front of me and the next year it left memories.

I just want a long lasting happy memories not a memory that makes me cry on my birthday.

If I do write anything wrong, forgive my heart and mind for all these :'(

Maybe one day there ll be one, but my heart and soul really begin to lost faith a little n little.

There is someone I know told me not to lost faith, make your heart always happy.I take this word and slowly pasting it into my heart again :)

Selamat Hari Raya and have great time with family ya!

Sincerely,

the most pleasant girl :p

Happy 22 to me ! 'Don't cheat!'

Hi peeps ! Today is 22nd of June 2014 . How time flies ! It had been 1 year n 1 month I did operation on my knee :) My knee had been doing well although there's some flaws . Of course right, there are always flaws when you hv an imperfect knee but I appreciate what God had given to me , for having me to be able to walk again .

That all didn't affects or saddened me as I had accept what is best for me.God had given me this chance to continue to cherish and be happy in life in whatever I do . For being able to walk again is actually depends on you when the doctor had already done his job.Forcing myself for the 3 weeks to get back to how I can walk without aid is quite stress actually.It's good to be on pressure as you will give your best performance ! haha :)

When I think back, I feel like that's one of my most blissful moment in life as most of my family members are with me.My mum and my aunt did their best for me . I love you both ! I would also like to thank Dr. Tai for his words when I went for follow up with him a week after I was discharged from the hospital. That time he was looking at my knee and I know he would say that I did not exercise at home.hahaha ! He even asked me how many times I exercise .This is somewhat like our conversation.

Dr. Tai : How frequent you exercise ?

Me : Sometimes 50 times sometimes 30 times

Dr Tai : Cannot like that . 50 times must be regularly harr..I don't want one day 20 times the next day 30 times. Cannot CHEAT.

Me: (I laughed) I don't cheat , I got do.hahaha

I told myself, why Dr Tai don't believe me ...then for the 3 weeks MC he gave me, everytime I feel like giving up, I remembered Dr. Tai's words, 'Don't cheat!' because I was scared that for the next follow up he will say that I cheated him again ! haha. Well, he is not angry but funny as me and the nurse laughed too.

Rehabilitation exercise at the hospital every morning the same appointmnt time which is at 10am.By the time it finished, it was lunch time. Had a relaxing time there with the physiotherapist scheduling my exercise routines. For the last 2 days of physiotherapy, they asked me to walked without the aid as I got better n at first I was scared but I just have to force myself not depending on the aid . I rode on a 'bicycle machine' , bending and pushing my knee as well as trying the trackmill with the aid of physiotherapist. After lunch I repeated myself with the rehab exercise at home in the afternoon and night.The physiotherapist always know whether you did it or not as when you skip your exercise the next morning, you will find your knee difficult to move.Knee is just stubborn  ! haha.

The toughest moment that time was not walking without aid but going down n climbing up the stairs . Together with the pain I still had that time, and without aid, I learnt how to walk up and go down the stairs again like a baby, one step by one step.I remembered dr tai said u still climb up and go down the stairs like a baby or wat??haha  !

I was always wondering how it could be like 1 year later and today I'm happy I felt it.It takes me months to go down the stairs not like a baby and I did not work on my squatting as it's painful.

Just remember 'Don't cheat!' then you will do well. haha.

Thanks for reading. Have a nice day !

I'm sorry :'(

First of all, I would like to thank those who gave me their advices and hoping for the best for me although they did not know what had happened.

Maybe being silent is the best for both of us. Only we both know what actually happen.You said we can be friends but friends for what purpose when we can't go back to how we used to be as  very good friends.I had tried to be your friend and it really hurts when I realised there's something that block us from going back to how it used to be.I think u do realised it too.

I'm sorry for ending this friendship between us but I only have the choices between

-Being friend , continue to hurt everytime I came to realised we couldnt be like last time

- End it so that we both won't feel hurt.

If being your friend is like how I just get to know a stranger (Hi and Bye friend ) ,better to end it as I cannot accept a friendship like that when we used to be more than that.

For evrytime that I read your ans , 'end it' , I'm asking myself , 'Is all this while, our friendship means nothing to you?' I  guess it must be a burden to you :'(

I'm sorry.

Yes, it just needs to be true...

Love doesn't need to be perfect. It just needs to be true.If you really love a person, you are surely willing to accept her/his mistakes, weaknesses and strengths.There are times when a person are blinded by how he/she view love to become. It's not about how he/she can actually fantasize about how his/her love life would be as what he/she desire but to learn to accept your partner completely.It is not about only embracing what feels good but it also consists of loving the whole picture of the person. And if you learn to love someone amidst his/her imperfections, then that is true love.

There are times where you can accept your partner weaknesses and all but your partner just couldn't accept yours. This one selfish partner can never deserve to love someone and assumed that his/her love is true.We all live with imperfections.Whether we accept it or not, but in the ordinary course of things we snap. However slowly we get to control the pace, there are always times when feelings get overwhelmed and bam, we get off the course.And that is equally true with the person we love.I guess this is the challenge of love.

Nevertheless, love is about finding ways to give the person you loved the opportunity to develop the full potential of himself/herself.This selflessness attitude shows that you found your true love.Some people wanna feel what is love when they sees friends around them are all in love and they have the desire to have love life like them too.However, once they had been through what exactly love are, there is when love never exist with their partners. Why I said so?They are expecting their partners to be like this and like that.

When you truly love a person is TIME a problem??Loving is not about insisting your idea and making the other give in.It is not about biting your way to resolve a conflict but is  about finding way to conquer it.When love is true, lovers can easily find way to look beyond problems and realize deeply that no matter what comes their way, they will always find a way through it.When problems came, some partners chose to ignores the problems without solving them. Can unsolved problems solve themselves just like that without communication? You just learn to love when everything seems to be happy and right but when things went against that, there is when love is all wrong for you.How selfish is this ?

Challenges to burden

Semester break is going to end soon and I would like to write something on life in this simple blog of mine. I guess I have to say my blog is the story of my life :) haha.

Let's answer these two question here with me ! 

Does LOVE makes you stronger / weaker ?

How do u define a strong love / weak love ?

It seems that our love is so weak that you dun wanna face it again...Our love are defeated by the challenges that we couldnt overcome.I chose that because deep down I know, you already have the answer with u, just that you are scared to reveal the truth answer that is with you, in order for not hurting me.Choosing an answer that u r willing to, at least we both won't hurt too much as things goes into deeper although the answer I told you, me myself nt willing to.Letting go the person you love, is very suffering when ur heart actually not willing to do so but somehow u have to let go bcz the other side no longer cares about this relationship.

Many of us experience an absence of love because we are giving our attention to thoughts about life instead of real life.When we give attention to our thoughts about life, we are loving our mental world, and that mental world isnt real, and it is very often a negative world, where nothing and no one is ever good enough.When we are invested in this mental world, our conditioned beliefs, judgements,fears,desires and expectations seem really important, and these are what cause problems in our relationships

We think we need people to be certain way for us to love them and be happy with them, but that just isn't true.It just seems true because we tend to choose to love those who look and do things the way we want.But love doesnt have to be limited in this way. We can choose to love even when others aren't meeting our desires or fitting our fantasies and expectations.

When this happens, challenges in love can change into burdens.I know and I feel relationship has turning into a burden n pressure to u, the moment where everything I do, seems all wrong for you.Just I did know that all this while I hv been you burden.You will have no worries now or future as I'm no longer your burden.Walking away from your life, I'm sure is the best choice as I believe you can go back to your life when you havent gotten to know me.That will be better as facing me will be hard for you and at the same time, lessen the hurt in your heart.

Going back to the life without me, I believe will bring more happiness . Even becoming friends, will not be as happy as before because we couldnt back to how we used to be...

If friendship have gotten us more hurts n sadness like this, then I find it best to end it.At least, there are happiness.

It's enough to see u happy :)

Loving a person doesn't mean you have to own her/him as things don't always go as what we want.

It's pain to let go and accept the facts that you are not mine but somehow it has been destined.

Thank you for always making the effort to make me happy again for everytime that I'm sad or angry. Thanks for being patient by my side always.

Few days ago, right after my exam when I'm packing my stuffs to go bck to hometown, I asked myself, 'where are you?' . Me myself hav no definite ans and the thing that I only know is ' you are gone'.When I wan to keep my laptop into my bag, I remembered you used it before and you asked me 'why no movies?'.That time I told myself, whether there is movie or not, it's not important anymore...because if there is any, you won't be here to watch anymore :'(:'(

Sometimes I ask myself, 'why there is only pooh bear?' and thinking for the 2 bears you gave me..

Yesterday, when I'm in the bus on my way to KLIA2, I remembered last time you said 'you wanna accompany me to lcct ' but I refused to because I scared you will be tired to travel here n there and you have stuffs to do too. 

You might forget the things that u ever ask or said to me but all that are still buried in my mind and now it seems like living without you brings much more happiness to you. Being the person that is loving you, certainly I wish u will be happier each day . I believe without me in your life, you will be happier :)

Love you <3..

The PAIN

Let's not start with HI ! but YO ! Haha. The picture above is the wedges I wore for Law Night 2014. Bye wedges but thanks for giving me the chance to wear it for the last time. The pain is unbearable but there is a need for perfection :p .

Walking on the journey by myself without you is not bad after all.It was like a dream that I went through for these few months and when it ends, I gotta face reality.Thanks for this dream and this journey with you, full of happiness and sadness.The scars and the memories will remain but it makes me stronger each day to get back to where I used to be .

The PAIN when I walked with the wedges really reminds me of the PAIN of having your hurtful words came across my mind. Don't worry, as you will get back to your life without me very soon.

:'(:'(

Everything has its ending...

Whassup people ! I'm back here writing on my blog. I wish everyone out there are full of happiness and blissfulness in life and for whatever things that make you all happy.Law Night 2014 has come to an end ! A sense of relieved but of course lots of sweet memories.

 

Isn't it sad if the road that is suppose to be 2 person walking becomes only one ? Remember the promise you made to walk together? Every steps together are tough and you rather walk it alone.
How I wish, to go back to the first step with you and leave many footprints in our world.

I thought that we could hold on together no matter what hits us , will makes us stronger but each day it weakens. I used to believe forever is true but it doesnt work for us.How I wish you will make forever is true.

Maybe this is the moment I miss the most because whenever I go anywhere and saw this, the first person I think is you. I will put on a smile and bear with my tears.

The time we had together, it meant everything to me.Time brought us together and also makes us apart.With each passing day without you, I try to catch up with you, with the hope that we will make life a journey together but I really fail. I'm sorry.

It's hard to forget the facts that you are away as when you came into my life, you are my life and soul. When we have better choice, why friendship is the choice.

December BLUES and January SHINE

Hi people ! I'm back and how's life ? No post in december at all from me.so sorry, i'm quite busy. Thank you all for reading my blog.I'm happy if you enjoy reading it.More to come in years time . haha :)

I know it's already 21st of January but I guess it's not to late to wish Happy New Year to everyone here !

2013 is the first whole year, I lead my life without the presence of you. I could learn to accep thatt things doesnt always goes as what you want and as time passed, you could free yourself from the things that humiliate you too much.

Thanks for this wonderful life , the smile, the happiness and blissfulness that I had. I appreciate every single moment and will always learn to cherish it through my life.I gotta thank someone special in my life, for always being with me, be patient with me and helps me alot. I know I don't say it to you but I do cherish the moment we had and of course I ll miss you ( the answer you want is in my blog XD ) . Friends come and go, but I hope our friendship last forever and thanks for not giving up our friendship.

CNY is around the corner, and finals too :(

Warm Regards,

Eileen